I had a difficult December and most of January so far. Not as an excuse, just as context for this post. I struggled a lot with everything that I needed and wanted to get done, and I did not accomplish everything on my list.
At the beginning of this month, at the Dark Moon, I tried to rally myself, tried to steal time and still my inner turmoil enough to put it aside and do the journey and ritual I try to do every month at the Dark Moon. But instead, I heard: Stop. Rest.
Was it my own desires talking, or my intuition, or Na Morrigna? I couldn’t say for sure, but I did rest. I let days pass, I tried to get other things done. But it tugged at the back of my mind. The anxiety remained until today, on the Full Moon, I finally did a journey. I lit Their candle, and laid on the floor in my ritual room, a shawl covering my face and head, and I went to see Them in my usual way.
When I entered the clearing, They stood around the cauldron, and reached out to take my hands and bring me into their circle. I tried to make an apology, but they just smiled at me kindly. They knew how hard I had struggled, and we all knew there was room in my contract for times like this. I had failed, yes, but I had not violated anything. Mistakes and failure, They told me, are important parts of the human experience, places to plant the seeds of new growth.
I had not been expecting such gentle compassion. I knew I was not in violation, but I had expected disapproval, impatience for getting to work. But instead, as I began to cry, They encouraged me to weep into the cauldron, and to shriek my rage and overwhelm into the waters within. That was my offering today — an emotional outpouring I’d been trying to keep in check.
I asked for words to share with others, the message I had failed to come to retrieve two weeks ago, but They told me not to worry. They gently laughed and said there were no messages only I could bring, nothing that They could not get to Their followers in other ways. My work is useful to Them, but I am not the only one doing this work. They have many pathways for the same omens, and the best thing for me to do now would be to share this experience with others. Although I had known that before — had glimpsed in the cauldron the extensive connected lines of their network of messages and omens — it still felt in that moment like illumination. Space had been left to mitigate failures. As someone who lives in a society where lean staffing and 60 hour work weeks and barely any paid vacation is the norm, I felt profound relief. I had not before realized how much of that attitude of near-constant productivity I had been bringing to my work with Na Morrigna, though in retrospect it seems much more obvious. I was reminded, also, that although my writings benefit the community, I am essentially a Deity-Facing cleric, not a pastoral one who tends a human community. Others do that and do it well and I don’t need to feel pushed to give more in service than what has been asked of me.
What was asked of me was this:
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On the Dark Moon, when I am able, I am to share a message or other writing that comes from Them
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If any of the followers of any of Na Morrigna come to me for healing or divination, subject to my availability, I am to offer my services free of charge, the balance of exchange shifting to include Them, such that I am compensated by Them, and They are compensated by the follower directly. (Although if the followers wish, they may still compensate me directly instead, by money or barter.)
Hopefully this has been enlightening to someone besides me; the lesson I thought I knew has sunk in a little deeper for me, now, and I’m grateful for the reminder. See you next Dark Moon.